Some people may know me as the the woman who travels around the world wearing cool high heel shoes – which symbolize my struggle with chronic Lyme Disease. Others know me as a Master Herbalist who is passionate about helping people live a QUALITY life no matter what their clinical diagnosis is.
But what you might not know is that there was time in my life where I seriously contemplated taking my own life.
Back in Nov 2009, I was diagnosed with Chronic Lyme Disease and I remember the day that the doctor swung around on is little doctor’s stool and he said to me…. You need to treat your body like it’s an 80 year old body and you’re not going to get it back.
And I thought, “Could this really be true?” Is this what my life is destined to be like? A long drawn out death for the next 40-50 years? You see, Lyme has no set protocol and there’s no cure.
So I went home and I called my sister and I asked her, if it takes me, you have to promise me to tell my children who I really was because you see, I was spending 16-18 hours in bed every day.
Three and a half years passed this way – 1,176 days I spent sun up to sun down too exhausted and in pain to do anything. My thoughts were my constant companion and they told me things like … you’re nothing, you’re draining the family finances, no help is coming, no one wants you, you’re going to die like this. That’s all I kept hearing.
And as I watched my children grow up by the side of my bed, I felt the guilt of not volunteering anymore, not being at their sporting events and not being a good mom or wife.
When my youngest, Trenton, would climb into bed and snuggle up to me, I’d see the hopefulness in his eyes as he asked me if I could come to his school party and then the sadness wash over them as I told him that mama wasn’t up to it.
And I’d wonder, “Does he know how much I love him?” “Will he grow up to resent me?” “Will he ever know how much I really wanted to go?” and will he ever understand how much it hurt my heart to tell him no?
And the thing about it was, I desperately wanted it to end. I didn’t want to hide at night anymore, crying in the bathroom, huddled on the little floor mat so that I wouldn’t wake my husband up.
I just wanted the misery to end. But I didn’t really want my life to end. I soooo wanted to be around to see my grandchildren AND to be able to play with them. It just didn’t seem possible at the time.
But something in me said that my children, my husband, my future grandchildren were worth fighting for. And I wanted to LIVE AGAIN rather than just existing and muddling through each day.
So I began to not listen to what the doctor said about that 80 year old woman. I decided to believe more in myself than what that doctor was telling me. And I began to be at that time, the 42 year old woman that I was — matter of fact, the 42 year old mother waiting for her children to grow up. I taught myself how to relieve my issues with herbs that I learned about from others and while studying to become a Master Herbalist. I also investigated and used alternative modalities I heard about from other Lymies and health practitioners. And the good days started out number the bad.
At first I wondered if it would last because I had been let down so many times before, but as I realized that the good days were “sticking,” I also realized that NONE OF US have to resign ourselves to a clinical diagnosis. No one can determine our fate. We have to hang on to the hope that we can get better. Our bodies are magical and they are capable of more than we may realize, so long as we help it.
This is why I’ve created Detoxified Life-Style™️ so that everyone can have access to the information and help they need to create a lifestyle were they can LIVE LIFE, no regrets. We can be more and do more than just exist.
Master Herbalist | Reiki Master | Aromatherapist | Certified Coach
Best Selling Author of “Herb Journal”, “No Energy? No Life? No Problem!”, “The Waiting Room”